TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of location. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have Yet another position exactly where American Gentlemen can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he really should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You are aware of, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has Trump Tower Damascus formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a element currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting consideration from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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